Why am I starting yet another blog? Because I feel isolated, that's why. My past blogs I would write simply for other people to read. I got a joy out of seeing how many views a post got, or comments... stuff like that. This one, I'm writing for me... to get things off of my chest. I don't really have anyone to confide in. I'm sure that I probably do... but I'm SO SO SO SO SO shy and nervous around people that I worry that if I call someone up to vent about my day, they're going to think I'm whiney, and annoying... and that they've got their own problems to deal with. When out in public I KNOW I come across as stuck up and bitchy, simply because I am quiet... and just observe... yep... totally the life of the party, I know. So guess how often I'm invited anywhere? I don't even have any work buddies because I work in a small office, where it's just me, my mom, and her business partner. I've got 4 kids so you know I'm not out at the bars on the weekend... and I'm not chummy with any of the parents of my kids' friends because I had my eldest 2 really young and there's a bit of an age gap there... or something... I don't know how to describe it. I just don't really feel like I "fit in" with any of them.
Another reason I feel isolated? Karl (the hubs) and I work opposite shifts. I work 8:30-4:30 (with a 25 minute commute one way) and he works 4pm-midnight. So most of the time, I feel like a single mother. Anytime there is anything going on on a weeknight... I can't do it. I mean... I can... but I'd have to tote along 2 pre-teens and 2 toddlers... Doesn't sound like anyone's idea of fun! I typically don't go to the girls' sporting events during the week because I would just be spending the whole time chasing after the two wee ones that I wouldn't be watching the game anyway, and I'd be so stressed out what the other parents were thinking about me and my wild babies.
A lot of the time when I try to talk to Karl or vent about things, he just fires back and says that all I do is complain. So... I try my damnedest to not do that and then I end up just bottling it all up and isolating myself even further.
I am feeling overwhelmed with my kids, my house, Karl, ... everything. I'm feeling out of control and disorganized. I feel like everyone that is close to me does nothing but "take" things from me. I get nothing back in return except attitude and resentment. ("I'm SO sorry that I interrupted your 7 hour YouTube video watching streak to make you do 3 minutes worth of chores. Here's the number for child protective services... turn me in for violating the child labor laws." UGH!) I realize that in some way, I helped create these little monsters, and I need to "reap what I sow" but COME ON!!!!!
Anyway... before I dig myself too deep a hole in the pile of self-pity... I had better get some stuff done. I leave you with a picture of Squishy, my youngest, enjoying her swing last weekend. My Squishy makes me smile, she names her Barbies momma, and despite being a diva since the day she was born, always makes me giggle!
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